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Archive for the ‘Uh oh’ Category

De plane, boss, the plane!

I met up with Angie and we took a walk down the block to have a cup of coffee with Beth. We all went to school together, and Beth makes the best cakes I’ve ever tasted, so it makes a lot of sense to drop in on her in the morning and hope she’s got something sweet to nibble on.

Now, we’re not moochers by any means. We don’t always show up at Beth’s house empty-handed. Sometimes we bring our own coffee mugs.

No, I’m just kidding. We drink so much of Beth’s coffee that one or the other of us will pick up a bag of fancy beans for her whenever we have a chance. Because not only does Beth make tasty sweets, but she’s got one of those fancy coffee makers that brews one cup at a time AND she grinds her own beans. So we can have a nice full-bodied dark roast or a light roast instead of the stale burnt roast they serve at the diner.

Beth didn’t disappoint. How that girl stays so slim is a puzzle.

It was all going well until Angie decided she wanted a second cup of coffee to go with her third cupcake, and then she started pointing at the coffee machine and shrieking “how dare  you!” and I figured she’d just about lost her mind. I mean, really, it’s a fancy coffee maker and it’s got pretty blue lights and all, but I’ve never heard it say anything rude. I’ve never heard it say anything at all. It doesn’t even beep at you, it just makes coffee and blinks once in a while.

So there’s Angie having a conversation with the coffee machine and from what I could tell, the machine must have been winning because Angie was getting madder and madder and it looked like she was about to either whack that thing upside the brewer or burst into tears.

Now all this happened pretty quick, but Beth was over to Angie’s side in a flash with her arm around Angie’s shoulder in that comforting way, and Angie was pointing at one spot on the machine and muttering something I couldn’t quite make out.

And then it all fell to hell when Beth burst out laughing like nothing I’d seen before. She was laughing and choking and gasping and tears were streaming down her face and Angie just turned and looked at her like she was the one gone mad now.

Well, I was still sitting at the kitchen table trying to make sense of this from a distance because apparently that machine was possessed and anyone who got near to it fell into some sort of crazy bag. So I watched this for a while and pretty soon Angie went from ranting to giggling a bit, because by then Beth was pretty much on the floor in the fetal position and sort of twitching like a fish out of water.

Now, I was pretty sure neither one of them was going to be able to tell me anything for a while, so I helped myself to another cupcake and sat back to wait for someone to grasp just a little string of sense. I wanted another cup of coffee, but I didn’t want to step over Beth in her own house, so I waited just a bit longer.

In a little while Beth sat up and so I asked what the hoopla was about, and Angie said, “That machine insulted me. I’m not FAT,” and then Beth was holding in the giggles again and shaking her head and I was pretty sure she wasn’t going to be much help. So I went to look at what Angie was pointing at, and there was a blinking light on the machine that said “de scale.”

Now, the only two scales I could think of were weight scales or the kind on a fish, and neither of those made any sense. I mean, the machine didn’t have eyes to see that Angie had put on some Christmas fudge pudge, and there sure weren’t any fish around. Well, except for Beth’s dramatic portrayal on the floor a few moments ago, but I didn’t think that counted.

I put my arm round Beth and let her back to the cupcakes, but that didn’t seem to cheer her up much. Just about then, Beth unraveled herself from the floor and said, “it means it needs cleaned!” And that made some sort of sense, but I have to wonder why the machine didn’t just light up and say “Clean me!” Best I can figure, it was a foreign-language model she got on discount.

You want a recipe? Not today. I grabbed a couple extra cupcake on the way out. That’ll be dinner, I think.

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Make-Up Cake

So after my last post about Grilled Cheese, Angie came over here all steamy mad at me. Jeebus. I thought maybe she was mad that I published her recipe, but smack in the middle of fuming about it, she told me that of course she knew to put the sandwich on a plate and I’m the dense one for not knowing that right off the bat.

What am I now, a mind reader? Sheesh. But okay, Angie’s a good friend and I’ll give her the benefit of the doubt that she already knew the plate trick, but for the life of me, I can’t figure out why she didn’t tell me about it when she gave me the rest of the recipe. I had to scrape a lot of congealed cheese off the bottom of my microwave from those dozen or three cheese sandwiches.

Well then, after fluttering her hands around and screeching at me, Angie stormed out again and I figured I should bring over some kind of peace offering, so I decided to make my famous Make-Up Cake. This one is a sure-fire way to get people all warm and friendly after an argument, whether it’s you and your best friend or you and your loverboy.

Make-Up Cake

  • 1 box cake mix
  • Ingredients for cake mix except water or milk
  • Booze to replace water or milk
  • Sweet Likker (recipe follows)

Mix up the cake mix just like the box says but use your favorite booze instead of whatever water or milk or other liquid it wants. Bake as usual.

Warning: there’s a teensy-slight chance your oven might ignite from the fumes when you open the oven door. The firemen said it had something to do with feeding in fresh oxygen or something like that, but I couldn’t hear too good because of the ringing in my ears from the blast.

It’s okay, though. Eyebrows grow back just fine over time. And really, it only happened two – maybe three – times.

When the cake is done, poke holes in it. The back end of  a spoon works good. Douse it with as much sweet likker as it can soak up.

Sweet Likker

  • 1 jug backyard booze
  • Sugar

You could do this with the storebought stuff, but it’s just not as good. Honestly, I don’t know what’s wrong with people that they can’t make the important things from scratch any more. Backyard booze is completely legal as long as you’re not making too much of it at a time, so you can just make it in small quantities on a more regular basis.

Anyway, to make the sweet likker, start with a full jug, then pour off a hefty mug full. Add back in as much sugar as will fit, with enough room in the jug to shake and slosh it around. Cap it off and shake until all the sugar is dissolved.

Sweet likker is used for the Make-Up Cake, but it’s the also a great drink for the ladies. Men don’t seem to like it as much, but we go through just about a full jug for ladies mid-morning tea. A bit of sweet likker in a steaming mug of tea warms the bones on a cold day, and a mug of sweet likker with a shot of hot tea makes the afternoon much more interesting.

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Cake Mix Health Barz

You think it looks bad? You should taste it!

Want your cake, but want to pig out, too? Health Barz transform cake mix into health food!

First, open the box of cake mix- any flavor – and dump it into a bowl. Now, read the directions. If it says to add oil or butter, add apple sauce instead. Use the low sugar kind. And if it says to add eggs, add water instead. If it says to add water, add water.

Stir it around and see how thick it is. This is very important.

Now, dump in a cup full of whole wheat flour. It doesn’t matter what size cup. You will fix it later. I used my favorite coffee cup which is a bigger one because I’m only supposed to have one cup of coffee a day and so I threw out the stupid little cups that came with my dishes.

After you add the whole wheat flour, it will be really thick and gummy. Add more water until it is as thick as it used to be before you added the whole wheat stuff.

Chuck the whole mess into a big rectangular pan. I use the same one from when I make lasagna. You should maybe grease it first or use some kind of spray because it will stick like concrete if you don’t.

You should have preheated the oven like the cake directions said, to about 325 degrees. Put the pan in there and wait about 30 minutes and see if it’s done enough.

If it hasn’t done enough.

What? Oh yeah, stick a toothpick or a clean hairpin in it and if stuff sticks, it’s not done. Keep cooking it and baking it and poking it all over until it’s not gummy any more.

When it’s done, wait about five minutes before you pry it out of the pan. You’re best off dumping it straight onto a cutting board and cutting it into chunks while it’s warm or you could dull your knife on it later.

These are good with hot cocoa because you can dunk them in the cocoa to soften them up and if you dump enough sugar in the cocoa it doesn’t taste so bad.

Put these on the menu and you will really loose weight because you won’t eat them. The dog wouldn’t eat them either. We still have some left.

I know! Contest! If you want some I will mail some to you. You can keep them in the trunk of the car if you live somewhere cold and snowy and you can chuck them under your tires for traction. Let’s hope you’re not stuck somewhere in your car and hungry enough to think about eating them. That would be a real shame.

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