Archive for the ‘What the?’ Category

I’m Famous!

Lookie here, we got mentioned at SERIOUS EATS: http://www.seriouseats.com/talk/2011/01/the-worst-recipe-ive-ever-seen.html

I am SO PROUD I am about to burst!

And I am soooo going to make that recipe!

Just LOOK at these ingredients:

“Louis the CCXXXII Salad”

1 16oz can cling peach slic
1 8 oz can green beans
1 7 3/4 oz can pink salmon
1 can pitted ripe olives
4 cups shredded lettuce
1 1/2 cups chopped celery
2 Tbsp chopped green onion
1 Tbsp chopped parsley
1/4 tsp black pepper
8 carrot curls
1 cup sliced cucumbers
4 cherry tomatoes, quartered
1 lemon, cut into wedges

1/4 bottled French dressing
1/4 mayonnaise
1/4 tsp Tobasco sauce

So proud! So, so proud!


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Diet Gravy

T’other night, I decided to make biscuits and gravy, but didn’t have a can of gravy to use, so I called up to the diner to see if I could buy a quart. But no, they were running low and couldn’t spare.

So I pulled out the old cookbook that contained recipes and clippings and stuff that people had gave me over the years, and the only gravy recipe I could find was this diet gravy.

I figured it was worth a try.

I don’t know if it came out right, but it didn’t taste so good. It wasn’t quite as orange as the photo. More brown.

Diet Gravy

  • Flour
  • Water
  • Seasoned Salt

Put a cup full of flour into a skillet and let it go to medium brown. Stir it around so it’s all even and not some of it burnt. If it does go black and smoky, you have to throw it out and start over.

When the flour is all good and pretty brown, like between the color of oak wood and walnut, add water. The same cup-size as you used for the flour.

Stir the flour and water until it’s all smooth and not lumpy, then add again that much water and stir it around. Let it cook a good five minutes or so, and it will get thicker and blurpy-bubbly. Add as much more water until it is as thick or thin as you like.

Add a good bit of seasoned salt.

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Really, Ma?

I went to see ma today. Nothing important. Just stopped by to chat for a while and I had to see what she was cooking. I should know better.

Really, ma? Really?

She asked if I wanted to stay for lunch, but I suddenly remembered that I already ate, and I scrammed out of there. Seriously, the woman raised me, but sometimes I havta wonder about where she gets her crazy cooking ideas from.

And it makes me wonder a touch what it was she fed me when I was a kid and didn’t think to question. It makes me a little squeamy to think about it.

I got no recipe for you today. We had peanut butter sandwiches on rye with dill pickles on the side.

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After Angie finished being mad at me, I ran into Gloria, Angie’s mom, over the string beans at the grocers. There she was, doing circles with her eyes at me. I thought it was about the stupid grilled cheese sandwiches, but no, her gripe was about the directions I gave her cousin to get to her house the week before.

I mean, the town’s not that big. How many directions do you need? I pointed down the road and said to look for the Lansbury place and the stupid cousin was looking for street signs and nearly broadsided a cow. How is that my fault and why was he looking for a sign that said “Lansbury Place” anyway? Mostly there aren’t any street signs and the ones that are there point all wonky and spin in the wind, anyways, because the kids use them for slingshot practice.

So Gloria is rolling her eyes at me and asking why I refer to her house as the Lansbury house when she and her husband have lived there for so many years, and they bought the house from someone named Spitz, anyway. But the Lansbury family built the house, I told her, and that’s the way it was. Everyone knew that. If she wanted to put her name on a house she could buy a patch of land and start digging holes and sawing wood and shingling shingles. I didn’t say that last part out loud because Gloria had a butternut squash in her hand and I figured that if she swung it at me, it would leave a nasty bruise.

So then she starts griping about how I said Angie isn’t a local and that she herself considers herself a local because she herself lived more than half her life (herself) in this town and so for sure her very own baby girl who lived here since she was two must be local. Which proves she isn’t a local since no one she was talking about was born here or was buried and dead here, and she said it all with that New York accent which iced the cake. And then she did the exasperated eye flutter at me and rolled her eyes around some more.

All that fluttering and rolling was beginning to get me dizzy and I forgot to bring home the string beans and grabbed a bunch of broccoli instead. That’s okay, green is green. Just about anything green works fine in this recipe. Well, except maybe honeydew melon. I don’t think that would work.

You don’t need fancy name-brand cheese like Velveeta in this recipe. Just buy a block of the stuff that they give away to the seniors at the bingo hall. If you know some seniors who are overrun with free cheese, you can probably buy some off of them or trade the cheese for some home brew. Those bingo seniors like the home brew. Whee-hoo, you don’t want to be driving past the bingo hall when them seniors are getting out and driving all hunched over the wheel and weaving from ditch to ditch.

Anyway, if you can’t get your hands on the free government senior cheese, the same cheese is always on sale at one store or t’other.

Green Mushroom Bake

  • Green vegetable of your choice
  • Cream of Mushroom Soup
  • Orange cheese
  • Stick of butter

Melt the butter and put it in the bottom of a good baking dish. Put the green vegetable on top of the butter and mix it around so it coats really good. Dump the soup on top of the green vegetable. Then put the cheese on top. It helps if you break up the cheese or slice it before you put it on top. The whole brick doesn’t melt so good if it’s in one solid piece.

Oh, and if you get the cheese that has the red covering it, you got to take the red off. It’s really waxy and doesn’t taste so good. If it’s green under the red, carve that off, too, and throw those green furry bits away.

Put the whole casserole in the oven at whatever temperature you have it on for whatever else you have in there, and leave it to bake until you can stick a fork in it and the vegetable has given up all will to resist.

Serve it hot in the baking dish because it’s not going to come out real pretty if you try to transfer it to some other dish. If you like it spicy, pass a bottle of hot sauce to douse it with.

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Soup Glop on Toast

This is one of my mother’s go-to recipes and while it sounds deceptively simple, there are some key steps to getting it right.

The toast, for example, is very tricky. The first time it comes out of the toaster it is barely warm and pale and limp, which is not good in the kitchen or in the bedroom as my second ex-husband’s third ex-wife proudly proclaimed at the church ice cream social last Tuesday.

I love that woman like a sister.

No, the toast is not done on the first go-thru and sometimes it takes even a third try before it is finished and it can’t take any more heat.

At that point we kids would complain to mama that the toast was burnt, but now that I am older I realize that it was not at all burnt but was actually very frou-frou and caramelized and that a little bit of char is a good thing and if the toast is completely hard, it’s something you can work with and it doesn’t go all woobly in your hand when you’re scraping at it.

I won’t go as far as saying mama was always right, but maybe we oughtn’t have gave her so much grief at dinner. And maybe we wouldn’t have been plonked on the head so many times with the bald end of a mop.

So the next step with the recipe is to take that properly caramelized toast and scrape the top layer of black off it. Use the tines of a fork to create a rough textured surface. This is essential for getting the hot soup glop to cling properly to the hot toast.

Hot Soup Glop on Toast

  • Good hard hot toasted bread
  • 1 can tuna
  • 1 can cream of anything soup
  • 1 can peas

Open the cans and mix it all together. Heat it up. Put the toast on plates and divide up the glop for however many people there are. I find that if you have extra people you can make extra toast and be more frugal with the glop and nobody complains. If the glop looks like its gonna run out sooner, thin it with milk or water but not too much or the toast gets soggy.

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I am a new food blog. Look for recipes and stuff here later. After I finish spamming other sites with my links.

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